On my own

dancing on my own

Soundtrack to this post – Sia – Big Girls Cry

It’s been a long time since I posted anything here.  I intended on keeping this blog up to date.  Alot has happened, I will go back and fill in some blanks but the reason I am up at 1.56am writing again is because I need to get my feelings out.

I met a guy on holiday. He was lovely.  It was meant to just be a holiday thing but I got attached to him.  It was more than just the sun, drink and amazing sex, he seemed different.  When I was with him he gave me all his attention, he wanted to know about me and he treated me with respect and cared if I was okay.

I’m not used to that, I have been single (no serious relationships) for 3 years now and the guys I date…… I’m really not that into any of them and 99% of them are only after sex.

I went out with Spanish guy 5 different nights and on one of them I told him I love looking at the stars.  I’ve told people this before and no one really cares… but he said, ohh do you,  come with me.  He drove me to this place and took me down a hidden path to the sea, we sat on rocks and talked for ages, the view of the stars was amazing.

On my last night when it came time to say bye to him I was okay, I just did it quickly, gave him a hug and left his car, he seemed more upset than me.

It was 6am and I still had to pack, the bus came at 7.50am, think I was still drunk when I got on it.  I sat down, put my headphones in and lay on my cushion to sleep but instead tears started coming, more and more and more.

Same on the plane, 6 people didn’t turn up for the flight so I moved and had a row to myself, saying I wanted more room to get comfy to sleep, but instead I sat and cried for most of the 3 hours home.

I was so angry with myself, I still am.  Why do I get attached so easily?! I suppose I know the answer to that, when you only meet dicks and someone nice comes along, you don’t want to let them go.

We’ve been talking since I got home, on whatsapp.  I told him I miss him and I want to see him again, he said, “I like!!” and he said he was speechless.

He said he was sad when I left, but I think he was fine the next day.  I think its different for him though, he lives on his own beside his friends, and he’s either working or he’s out with them.  People go there to get drunk and have a good time, and he’s very hot, he won’t be short of other offers.

Whereas, I am back home, here.  Where ALL my friends are married, or in serious relationships.  I have bills to worry about, a new job with shit pay, my mum who I’ve just finished helping through treatment for breast cancer, my best friend who was crying with me the other day, me over this Spanish guy and her over a wee baby she lost last year (there’s no comparison there, I know that).  It’s like all real life stuff.

And most importantly, I have a wee girl to look after. An amazing, wonderful, funny, awesome, wee girl.  So I’ve put my feelings aside and gone school uniform and shoe shopping, talking with other mums about school bags and teachers.

I feel strange some of the time, the people I see are married, settled and like do whole family stuff with their husbands. Whereas its just me and my daughter and while I’m in that world, I feel isolated in it.  I’m always on my own at the school gates, teachers meetings, school plays.  Well that’s not true, alot of the time I have my mum too 🙂

I am a mum and I love it, for the last 7 years I have lived for my child, everything I have done has been for her, that will continue until the day I die, she is my life.

When I met Spanish guy, I felt selfish, selfish for wanting happiness for myself and for getting upset over a man cause my feelings undoubtedly impact on my daughter, no matter how hard I try to hide them.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant and I got my first scan, she was jumping about, the doctor said she was doing a dance for me and her dad 🙂  That night, I was crying myself to sleep in my mums house as her dad was away out on a cocaine binge.  I realised then that I was on my own with her and I had to be the strong one.  I always have been and will continue to be, I just seem to have alot of heart break to deal with and its shit.

The worst, undoubtedly being when her dad died.  I loved him to bits and it still hurts so much knowing that I won’t ever get to speak to him again and that he won’t see her grow up.

Spanish guy made me feel good, happy and like my own person if that makes sense.  I got horribly drunk on Saturday night, he was messaging me and asked what I wanted, if I wanted to be his girlfriend.  After some translating issues it turned out that he doesn’t want that.  He didn’t say why, if it was the distance, or just me, I don’t need to know.  What he did say though, was that he wanted to see me again.  I asked if it was just for sex and he said no, I want to see you, speak to you, drink with you and be with you too.  But seeing as one of us is going to have to get on a plane to make that happen, I don’t really see the point if he doesn’t feel the same as I do.

We’ve still been talking, just about random stuff.  He messaged me tonight after work and said he was out with his friends, I told him I’d leave him to see his friends and speak to him later and he said (in Spanish) Okay, thank you very much.  Huh? I don’t get that, why was he even messaging me when he was out.  Anyway, its now 3am, I am working at 9.30am and I feel like my heart is breaking.

I almost feel a bit better about him now, that he said he doesn’t want anything serious, he’s lost his appeal a bit, I thought he was so different but seems as though he’s the same as every other guy I meet, just after sex with no commitment.

I am so sick of sex honestly, it is definitely more important for men than women.  That saying, “women fake sex for relationships, guys fake relationships for sex” is so true.  I don’t know if its cause I’m older now (31), the guys who are still single at this age aren’t wanting to settle down any time soon, I dunno.  Spanish guy is 34 and if he’s got to that age with no kids or wife etc and plans to work in a hotel in Ibiza again next summer then I suppose he’s not exactly looking for commitment.  But there’s still a part of me that is naive and optimistic and hoped that he would want to be with me.

Anyway, its getting late, I better go to bed and stop being so self indulgently sad.

Signing off, the last single woman XXXX

 

 

Advertisements

Falling Slowly

Soundtrack to the post is Faling Slowly – Once the musical

So its been a while since I last posted.

I fell out with Kenneth when I found out he was coming to Glasgow but didn’t have time to see me… wtf?

I was so hurt seeing as I was missing him so much and he obviously wasn’t bothered.  I think since he’d gone back to London at Christmas time, that girl he was seeing was waiting for him and I became a distant memory.  Cause she’s there and I’m not.  He said he had to make a decision and I think he made it but just didn’t tell me… nice.  So I messaged him saying I felt hurt that he didn’t want to see me and everything he’d said at Christmas must have just been cause he was drunk and wanted to sleep with me, he messaged back saying he did want to see me, he couldn’t help being busy and he wasn’t drunk, I was drunk.  I didn’t reply.  That was on January 16th.

I was really low and upset but even though it was hard, I didn’t message him.  I’ve learned in life if someone doesn’t want to be with you its best just to let them go.  I thought about him every day, and at night I would picture him with his new gf and it would make me feel sick.  I am a believer in fate though, what’s for you won’t go by you and all that.  So on I went, as a single 29 year old mum with a wee girl, a cat and no money.  My cousin who is also my best friend is getting married soon and I’m her maid of honour which is lovely but its meant that in amongst trying to get over Kenneth I have been helping her plan her wedding and have been told by so many people, ‘Oh Im sure you’ll meet someone, your day will come!’ Could they be any more patronising, seriously?!

Love is all around…

So it’s the 4th of February and there is Valentines day stuff everywhere. I can’t walk by a card shop without feeling sad and angry, just the sight of red roses and teddies sets me off, thank goodness I don’t work in one.
I would be like that girl in the film I can’t remember what it’s called, anyway she’s just split up from someone but she works in a shop selling engagement rings and she lets her feelings get in the way of being professional and starts telling the customers not to get married…. That would be me! “Don’t waste your money love, they’re not worth it”.
I’m not usually such a bitter singleton at this time of year! But this particular Valentines day can F right off.
This morning I got a double whammy, an email with deals on Valentines day stuff and nursery furniture… Thanks for that MSE, it’s like a big warm fuzzy hug in an email!
Well it might be, if you hadn’t just been dumped and had a miscarriage.
I actually can’t stop thinking about Kenneth today. Like constantly. Thinking, ‘does he ever think about me? Does he care he hurt me? Does he know? Is he going to message me? What’s his new gf like? I hope she’s fat and old. And rubbish in bed..’
I’ve also been thinking, which is a total turnaround, would I actually want to be with him now? I know he’s a cheater, could I trust him? He’s pretty rubbish at helping with emotional stuff. I don’t think he’d be that romantic or thoughtful. So why why why do I miss him so much? Do I actually miss him, or do I miss who I wanted him to be?

It’s a bit of a headfuck… But seeing as he’s always been my ‘what if’, and I always had a feeling we’d end up together, now I’m like, so is it over? Is that it? So what the hell is going to happen then? Will I just get some more cats and call it a day?
What about everything he said at Christmas? Did he not mean it? Or did he mean it but when he got back to London I was just a distant memory… God knows. I’m just sad, at the age of nearly 30 I honestly think he may have just been saying what he thought I wanted to hear to get me into bed, but no, it wasn’t like that it really wasn’t. So what the hell was it then? I didn’t want to fall for him, and I was quite good at keeping my feelings in check, until November. I was visiting him in London and we were in a taxi and stuck in traffic for like 40 mins. I’d been drinking so opened up to him a bit more than usual, and he said, ‘aw I can’t believe you were going through all that and I didn’t know. It makes me want to be with you and look after you so you can’t get hurt again.’ And it was there, right there, that my heart of steal softened into a fluffy marshmallow and let him right in. *massive sigh*.

Cause I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart…

Soundtrack to this post is Sia – Elastic heart

So I have been sad over a man for the last few weeks, we’ll call him Kenneth… At first I lost my apetite (the break up diet) but much to my dismay I am now eating my feelings.

This morning it was in the form of a big gooey chocolate brownie. This has to stop, especially seeing as I was ordered to loose weight to fit into my bridesmaid dress at the next fitting (which is now only like 5 weeks away :-s ).

So, I need to get him out of my head and concentrate on loosing weight and my uni work, dissertation is due scarily soon and I’ve barely started writing!!

I have someone else texting me, Daniel. “Met” him on pof dating site the other week before I decided I was ashuing all men. He seems nice and laid back but then last Saturday told me he hurt himself after sledging along holding onto the back of a bus when he was drunk… He’s 33.

I think half the problem I have when it comes to men is I’m far too fussy. I am nearly 30 and I’ve had my fair share of relationships and broken hearts, people call me jaded but I prefer realistic. Between me and my friends I honestly believe I’ve heard/seen it all. I would love to let myself get swept off my feet by some smooth talking, good looking man, but inside I’m thinking yeah but what are your flaws? Drinker? Player? Crazy ex?

I think that’s where I went wring with Kenneth. He lives in London, he grew up here in Glasgow but moved there a few years ago for a job.  I apparently met him at playgroup when we were 3, funnily enough I don’t remember that though. we then went to different schools and kinda got in touch when we were 17. We had a couple of dates, like one kiss maybe, then I dumped him for Jeremy who was a “bad boy” type, Kenneth was just too nice and shy.

Jeremy needs a post all of his own but basically he cheated on me, got the girl pregnant and lied about it. He only told me when the wee boy was 3. So yeah, we’re not together anymore.

But back to Kenneth, I think with him being so far away and us not ever spending any real length of time together I had kind of invented what he was like in my head. Not in a crazy way, just in that I thought he was this amazingly nice guy when really he’s just a guy…

It started just over a year ago when he split up from his girlfriend at the time. He came over to mine just as friends and we chatted away for hours. He then came back up to Glasgow about a month later and wanted to meet up again. This time we went out for a drink, he came back to mine and ended up staying over.

The first time we had sex, after it, he said, it feels like we’ve done that a hundred times. I totally knew what he meant, even though we’d been friends for technically about 25 years and only just crossed the line into bed, it didn’t feel weird at all. The ridiculous enteral optimistic romantic in me said it was cause we were meant to be!

We then started a long distance non-relationship seeing each other about once a month, he comes up a lot to see friends and family and I went to London 3 times too. He was very realistic about it and said he didn’t want a long distance relationship cause he’d had one when he first moved to London and it didn’t work, he ended up cheating on the girl. He said it was inevitable one of us would meet someone else and I agreed. While secretly falling in love with him. Note to self, playing hard to get with someone who is 400 miles away isn’t a good idea cause they are literally hard to get to….

Anyway that will have to do just now, next instalment very soon.

My first post

Well, the unimaginative title says it all really, this is my first post, like ever. I have no idea where to start…. I wanted to write this blog for myself, to get my thoughts and feelings out. As I’m getting older, my previously single friends have one by one all settled down and are no longer available for talking on the phone each night for hours and sorting out each other’s lives. So I often find myself talking to my cat. There is no end goal to this blog and I’m not writing it for others, but if you wish to read please do. I’m not planning on it being in any sort of order, I will write about what I’m thinking about at the time and go from the present, to events that happened in the past as my mood takes me. Everything I write will be true, but the names will be changed. So grab a cuppa, get comfy and get ready for a uncensored insight into my life.