On my own

dancing on my own

Soundtrack to this post – Sia – Big Girls Cry

It’s been a long time since I posted anything here.  I intended on keeping this blog up to date.  Alot has happened, I will go back and fill in some blanks but the reason I am up at 1.56am writing again is because I need to get my feelings out.

I met a guy on holiday. He was lovely.  It was meant to just be a holiday thing but I got attached to him.  It was more than just the sun, drink and amazing sex, he seemed different.  When I was with him he gave me all his attention, he wanted to know about me and he treated me with respect and cared if I was okay.

I’m not used to that, I have been single (no serious relationships) for 3 years now and the guys I date…… I’m really not that into any of them and 99% of them are only after sex.

I went out with Spanish guy 5 different nights and on one of them I told him I love looking at the stars.  I’ve told people this before and no one really cares… but he said, ohh do you,  come with me.  He drove me to this place and took me down a hidden path to the sea, we sat on rocks and talked for ages, the view of the stars was amazing.

On my last night when it came time to say bye to him I was okay, I just did it quickly, gave him a hug and left his car, he seemed more upset than me.

It was 6am and I still had to pack, the bus came at 7.50am, think I was still drunk when I got on it.  I sat down, put my headphones in and lay on my cushion to sleep but instead tears started coming, more and more and more.

Same on the plane, 6 people didn’t turn up for the flight so I moved and had a row to myself, saying I wanted more room to get comfy to sleep, but instead I sat and cried for most of the 3 hours home.

I was so angry with myself, I still am.  Why do I get attached so easily?! I suppose I know the answer to that, when you only meet dicks and someone nice comes along, you don’t want to let them go.

We’ve been talking since I got home, on whatsapp.  I told him I miss him and I want to see him again, he said, “I like!!” and he said he was speechless.

He said he was sad when I left, but I think he was fine the next day.  I think its different for him though, he lives on his own beside his friends, and he’s either working or he’s out with them.  People go there to get drunk and have a good time, and he’s very hot, he won’t be short of other offers.

Whereas, I am back home, here.  Where ALL my friends are married, or in serious relationships.  I have bills to worry about, a new job with shit pay, my mum who I’ve just finished helping through treatment for breast cancer, my best friend who was crying with me the other day, me over this Spanish guy and her over a wee baby she lost last year (there’s no comparison there, I know that).  It’s like all real life stuff.

And most importantly, I have a wee girl to look after. An amazing, wonderful, funny, awesome, wee girl.  So I’ve put my feelings aside and gone school uniform and shoe shopping, talking with other mums about school bags and teachers.

I feel strange some of the time, the people I see are married, settled and like do whole family stuff with their husbands. Whereas its just me and my daughter and while I’m in that world, I feel isolated in it.  I’m always on my own at the school gates, teachers meetings, school plays.  Well that’s not true, alot of the time I have my mum too 🙂

I am a mum and I love it, for the last 7 years I have lived for my child, everything I have done has been for her, that will continue until the day I die, she is my life.

When I met Spanish guy, I felt selfish, selfish for wanting happiness for myself and for getting upset over a man cause my feelings undoubtedly impact on my daughter, no matter how hard I try to hide them.

When I was 9 weeks pregnant and I got my first scan, she was jumping about, the doctor said she was doing a dance for me and her dad 🙂  That night, I was crying myself to sleep in my mums house as her dad was away out on a cocaine binge.  I realised then that I was on my own with her and I had to be the strong one.  I always have been and will continue to be, I just seem to have alot of heart break to deal with and its shit.

The worst, undoubtedly being when her dad died.  I loved him to bits and it still hurts so much knowing that I won’t ever get to speak to him again and that he won’t see her grow up.

Spanish guy made me feel good, happy and like my own person if that makes sense.  I got horribly drunk on Saturday night, he was messaging me and asked what I wanted, if I wanted to be his girlfriend.  After some translating issues it turned out that he doesn’t want that.  He didn’t say why, if it was the distance, or just me, I don’t need to know.  What he did say though, was that he wanted to see me again.  I asked if it was just for sex and he said no, I want to see you, speak to you, drink with you and be with you too.  But seeing as one of us is going to have to get on a plane to make that happen, I don’t really see the point if he doesn’t feel the same as I do.

We’ve still been talking, just about random stuff.  He messaged me tonight after work and said he was out with his friends, I told him I’d leave him to see his friends and speak to him later and he said (in Spanish) Okay, thank you very much.  Huh? I don’t get that, why was he even messaging me when he was out.  Anyway, its now 3am, I am working at 9.30am and I feel like my heart is breaking.

I almost feel a bit better about him now, that he said he doesn’t want anything serious, he’s lost his appeal a bit, I thought he was so different but seems as though he’s the same as every other guy I meet, just after sex with no commitment.

I am so sick of sex honestly, it is definitely more important for men than women.  That saying, “women fake sex for relationships, guys fake relationships for sex” is so true.  I don’t know if its cause I’m older now (31), the guys who are still single at this age aren’t wanting to settle down any time soon, I dunno.  Spanish guy is 34 and if he’s got to that age with no kids or wife etc and plans to work in a hotel in Ibiza again next summer then I suppose he’s not exactly looking for commitment.  But there’s still a part of me that is naive and optimistic and hoped that he would want to be with me.

Anyway, its getting late, I better go to bed and stop being so self indulgently sad.

Signing off, the last single woman XXXX

 

 

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