Love is all around…

So it’s the 4th of February and there is Valentines day stuff everywhere. I can’t walk by a card shop without feeling sad and angry, just the sight of red roses and teddies sets me off, thank goodness I don’t work in one.
I would be like that girl in the film I can’t remember what it’s called, anyway she’s just split up from someone but she works in a shop selling engagement rings and she lets her feelings get in the way of being professional and starts telling the customers not to get married…. That would be me! “Don’t waste your money love, they’re not worth it”.
I’m not usually such a bitter singleton at this time of year! But this particular Valentines day can F right off.
This morning I got a double whammy, an email with deals on Valentines day stuff and nursery furniture… Thanks for that MSE, it’s like a big warm fuzzy hug in an email!
Well it might be, if you hadn’t just been dumped and had a miscarriage.
I actually can’t stop thinking about Kenneth today. Like constantly. Thinking, ‘does he ever think about me? Does he care he hurt me? Does he know? Is he going to message me? What’s his new gf like? I hope she’s fat and old. And rubbish in bed..’
I’ve also been thinking, which is a total turnaround, would I actually want to be with him now? I know he’s a cheater, could I trust him? He’s pretty rubbish at helping with emotional stuff. I don’t think he’d be that romantic or thoughtful. So why why why do I miss him so much? Do I actually miss him, or do I miss who I wanted him to be?

It’s a bit of a headfuck… But seeing as he’s always been my ‘what if’, and I always had a feeling we’d end up together, now I’m like, so is it over? Is that it? So what the hell is going to happen then? Will I just get some more cats and call it a day?
What about everything he said at Christmas? Did he not mean it? Or did he mean it but when he got back to London I was just a distant memory… God knows. I’m just sad, at the age of nearly 30 I honestly think he may have just been saying what he thought I wanted to hear to get me into bed, but no, it wasn’t like that it really wasn’t. So what the hell was it then? I didn’t want to fall for him, and I was quite good at keeping my feelings in check, until November. I was visiting him in London and we were in a taxi and stuck in traffic for like 40 mins. I’d been drinking so opened up to him a bit more than usual, and he said, ‘aw I can’t believe you were going through all that and I didn’t know. It makes me want to be with you and look after you so you can’t get hurt again.’ And it was there, right there, that my heart of steal softened into a fluffy marshmallow and let him right in. *massive sigh*.

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One comment

  1. Vex Verlain · February 6, 2015

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this.

    I actually set up a filter on my email so that anything new that contains the word “valentine” is automatically routed out of my inbox and into a folder labeled “Potentially Triggering S#*t.” I don’t want to see it, and I’ve already received over 100 of them in that folder.

    It takes a very certain kind of person to trust someone who has cheated before. I know that I personally could not do it. I want to feel safe, secure, and comfortable in my relationship. I ended it as soon as I found out. Zero tolerance–that’s my policy.

    Like

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